If it takes a village to raise a child, why are we still shaming mothers?
The worst and most scathing criticism that I have ever received, generally always comes from close whanau and ‘friends’.
Strangers, acquaintances and more distant/periphery people like that, generally can’t be bothered making comment on my parenting decisions, or they don’t feel entitled to beam in on me with their projections, as much as those closest to me often seem to do.
HOW BOUT WE ALL STAY IN OUR OWN LANES and worry about our own children instead of projecting our fears, insecurities, broken hearts and broken dreams, dysfunctional relationship problems and the like, onto others?
We love to throw around the saying ‘IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD’ but do we really believe and practice that?
When my very happy, very healthy, very content and well loved daughter spends periods of time with her other TWO parents, or with her grandparents, which is not only good for her, but also good for me as an artist with WORK to do, I can often feel the pūhaehae, rage, condemnation, vilification, and extreme JUDGEMENT against me vibrating through the ethers! Or through Facebook as it were. Or through private messages that I receive, which are generally from people who are actually CLOSE to me, who are supposed to SUPPORT me and UNDERSTAND me and TRUST that I know what i’m doing with my own daughter. Unfortunately this isn’t always so.
I wouldn’t dream of presuming to know, judge, criticise or condemn another mother and her parenting choices which are none of my business in the first place, so I don’t know why some people (mostly women) feel entitled to do this to me. It’s actually quite laughable!
It’s highly disappointing and hurtful to receive these kind of VIBES and passive aggressive, thinly veiled jealous judgements that sometimes get sent my way. Other mothers are the worst at shaming and judging other mothers! And it’s not ok. And we all need to stop it.
I’m extremely lucky and extremely grateful, that I have gotten to a place with my daughters other side of her family and OTHER SIDE OF HER WHAKAPAPA, that we (my daughter, her 4 parents and the wider extended whānau and cuzzies) all get to enjoy the benefits of now having mutually respectful, healthy, trusting, AMAZING relationships that serve everyone in the equation. I don’t take this for granted and we all consciously created and DID THE WORK involved in creating the awesome scenario that we now have together, with the greater good of my daughter at the heart of the equation.
It’s pretty simple, it’s not rocket science, and it is a fact that the more people in a childs life that love them and care for them, the better off they are. So why still the judgments and the shaming, the intrusive questioning and the second guessing?! It’s not ok and it needs to stop.
And how about the traditional tikanga of a first born child often being raised by a grandparent? This is a good and healthy thing. I am extremely conscious about my daughter spending time with her grandparents while they are still alive, it doesn’t make me a bad, selfish or neglectful mother! The fact that I travel a lot and my daughter moves around with us a lot, spending time with various close whānau members, also does not make me a selfish mother with my priorities all out of whack as some people assume!
How about we all MIND OUR BUSINESS and focus on our own happy and healthy whānau units!
I do believe in the saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ and that is why I practice it. This practice also makes me A BETTER MOTHER, instead of a burned out, tired as fuck, exhausted, resentful, angry, unfulfilled, strung out and stressed out, anxious or depressed mother! I mean honestly! I have been that tired as, overwhelmed, not-enough-time-in-the-world, distracted mother at times in the past, and IT AIN’T PRETTY and IT AIN’T GOOD FOR ANYONE, least of the child in the situation, and that is why I consciously created and worked on moving beyond that, to the AWESOME place we are all now in.
Have you ever felt shamed and judged as a mother, or have you been guilty of doing this to another woman? Being empowered mothers and healthy functional parents is also part of the conversations and #growth that we have together in our #kuiniklub #community and #movement, it’s not just all about business AT ALL! Creating our #dreamlifes and #kuinirealities ALSO includes being the bests mothers that we can be, and creating the right environments and support networks around us can empower us to do exactly that. It’s hard to raise an empowered child if we aren’t first empowered wāhine. You can join our #kuiniklub movement on our homepage.